Relationships and Our TeleGathering

Last night was our first Gaia TeleGathering with Gay and Katie Hendricks. It was lovely. They are such a wonderful and beautiful couple.

I'm always inspired when I see, or in this case hear, people who have true partnership. And honestly, I don't see it that often. Honestly, I don't even think I'm very good at it, even though I try and really want to be. I was most impressed when Gay said they haven't said a critical thing to each other or blamed each other for over 10 years! He couldn't even remember the last time one of them said something critical to the other. They've been married for almost 30 years, so I guess they have been working at it for a while :) But, I think that if one couple can do it and teach others then it'll be quicker for all those who come after and try to learn, one hopes.

And, it isn't that they avoid conflict. They clearly are very honest and open, but they also really listen to one another and care as much about the other person's view as they do about their own. This is truly rare.

I just read this article on blaming in the NY Times. It says that research shows we have little ability to gage the amount of suffering we cause relative to our own. We tend to retaliate with a sense that the pain afflicted upon us is much worse and more valid and real. We justify our actions by blaming someone else and we are ill-equipped to fit the punishment with the crime.

The article refers to a study at the University of London where particpants were hooked up to a mechanical device that exerted a specific amount of pressure on another participant's finger. Person A exerted a set and measured amount of pressure on person B. Then person B was asked to estimate and exert an equal pressure on person A. To quote the article:

The results were striking. Although volunteers tried to respond to each other’s touches with equal force, they typically responded with about 40 percent more force than they had just experienced. Each time a volunteer was touched, he touched back harder, which led the other volunteer to touch back even harder. What began as a game of soft touches quickly became a game of moderate pokes and then hard prods, even though both volunteers were doing their level best to respond in kind.

Wow. Even when we're really trying, when we're not emotionally invested, when there are no  big personal issues clouding our view, we still cannot judge 1) the extent to which our actions impact others, 2) the reality of our own suffering, 3) what is fair and 4) how our own misconceptions and delusional reactions naturally escalate conflict towards the point of no return. Is it any wonder that karma takes so long to alleviate?

So I'm asking myself, what can I learn here? I know I must blow my own suffering out of proportion, caught up every now and then by the wrongs that have been "done to me". And I know that when I have a conflict, it always seem that each person feels so justified in their particular suffering. I think Gay and Katie had something to offer on this issue. They have developed ways, good patterns of interaction to combat these natural blaming instincts. I think people have to lay down their swords and resist the desire to punish each other and have the courage to say that they've been hurt before they hit back. We're all just trying to do the best we can, at least I hope we are. There's no shame in being the one to apologize and maybe part of the answer is in learning to make the other person's view as important, repeating their words back to them kindly, making them feel understood and seen.

We all want to be cared for, to be protected and have our hurt feelings acknowledged. It's so difficult when these caged animal instinct come into play and it's every man and woman for himself or herself. But in partnership, you can't just be for yourself. It's a team. I guess it just takes practice, reorienting values, good discipline and massive reeducation and restructuring. It takes being clear enough to choose a higher ground and not simple get lost on the autopilot instincts that will inevitably arise.

I'm hopeful. Hey, Gay and Katie haven't been critical in 12 years or so! And, they did mention that appreciation is the salve to these wounds. As John Gottman noted, successful relationships have at least a 5:1 ratio of appreciation to criticism. So, that's one way I can be proactive. Appreciation is a way we can all be proactive, and it'll help us see the reality of our situation more clearly and bring us back to who we really are and what we really want. Because let's face it, we aren't very good about seeing reality clearly and we aren't particularly wired for it. That's why there are so many seminars, forms of meditation, therapies, and spiritual practices. We have to work hard to gain clarity.

Maybe if someone criticizes or blames us we can try to think about something we appreciate about that person to make them feel loved again. And we can apologize and be accountable for the situation at hand. Take responsibility for creating a solution. After all, the other person is only being critical because they feel hurt and justified. It doesn't make them right, they're probably just as delusional and confused as we are ;)

If your interested in discussing these topics further and learning more, check out the Conscious Relationships pod. Gay said they would stop in there from time to time and try to answer questions as well, so it's a great opportunity.